Today's not a very good day.

I don't know what hits me and suddenly i'm crying. I really thought i'm over it, but guess what? I'm not. I'm still remembering. It's just coming back to me all of a sudden, and i think i'm losing it. To tell you the truth, i'm crying while i'm typing, at this very moment. I used to tell my mom everything, but then she's gone and i have no one. I can't tell my friends, they wouldn't understand. I can't tell anyone. I wouldn't want to share with my father or brother about this. Maybe because i'm still in fever and coughing that i suddenly feels like crying. Maybe.

But laying alone in my room makes me remember something i wish to forget. My mom always said, you don't have to forget that something if you know you're not wrong. But mom, i am wrong. That's why i want to forget. It's too much for me. It's not easy keeping this thing inside you for months, not telling anyone about it. It's burning me. I'm not suppose to feel this feeling. I'm suppose to be happy because i'm trying to forget so that they will be happy.. Somehow, i don't feel happy at all. All these suppressed sadness that i've been keeping inside me bursting out, and i can't tell anyone about it.

All these months i've been keeping silent, then a single flashback makes me cry. Why does this have to happen to me? Why not anyone else? I know it's Allah testing me, but it's too much i can't contain anymore. I used to take this matter lightly because my mom told me it's okay, it's normal. everyone feels like that sometimes. everyone feels hurt sometimes. 

I've tried keeping my distance far away, so that i wouldn't be affected. I don't know where should i go. I can't be anywhere near or else i'll cry again. So, i'll be somewhere far. So when my mom's gone, i don't know where to put my feelings. I used to pour it into her ears and she'll listen patiently. That's why i'm shedding tears. It's painful when you're crying for someone when the person didn't even know. i don't think i'm going for any trip anymore in future. Sorry guys. But if i changed my mind, i'll be sure to tell u guys back. That's when i've forget. and you know it'll take months again for me to be normal.

sorry for not sharing anything. I just.. can't. I WANT TO. But i can't. Honestly. I'm stupid. i thought for once i'll have the chance. My mom used to say, you have to be patient, you'll get what you want. But i don't think so. How much i put my patience here not going to change anything. It'll be the same. I'm still me, andi'm unacceptable. I'm a failure.

Syg korg..!

Sheera

syeeirra@yahoo.com